Nearly one month ago I took a leap off a cliff with no rope and no safety net. I quit my career. And everything is okay.
I fell in love with the TV industry when I was twelve years old. I crawled, fought and sacrificed to make my dream come true. At 19-years-old I began working in a newsroom. It didn’t take me long to land the “dream job” of news producer in a top 20 TV market. I made a huge mistake though. I let my career become my identity. “Producer” is how I described myself. I was obsessed with ratings, my writing, my “vision”, my show. I took failure personally.
I worked crazy long hours, overnights, weekends, last-minute additional shifts… whatever was necessary because, hey, that’s the news business and I loved it. I missed birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, holidays and family emergencies because I had to work. When I wasn’t working I was tired from working. At first I didn’t mind, in fact I really did love it! But my career was slowly draining me.
I shouldn’t quit, right? Because this was the dream. This was what I worked for. This “real world job” is what being an adult is all about, right? I made myself sick debating this internally. After my son was born, I tried to make it work. I fought to make everyone happy, but I began to lose myself completely. I wasn’t “producer,” I wasn’t “mom,” I wasn’t “Amanda,” I wasn’t anybody!
There wasn’t a specific moment that made me say, “I’ve had enough.” I think it was a combination of things. I blamed work for my struggles with breastfeeding my son. I started to feel emotionally attached to stories like the Pulse tragedy that happened here in Orlando. Slowly I began to notice moments that used to give me an excited high, like breaking news hurricane coverage for example, now just made me sad. My dream was turning into a nightmare.
So, I quit. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. I felt like I was giving up my identity, like I was losing everything I had worked for since I was a teenager. Part of me felt like I was letting my family down. They relied on my income and benefits. I felt like a failure and told myself I was quitting because I wasn’t good enough to make it in the TV industry.
Lies. All lies.
I was a damn good producer, an amazing journalist. I thought back to why I wanted to get into the TV business in the first place. I wanted to tell stories. I wanted to make a difference. Silly me, I didn’t have to work in the news business to make that happen. There is a little boy at home who needs his mother and he is my impact on the world.
I wasn’t being selfish by quitting my job. I was being selfish by keeping it.
That was my grown up realization. Being an adult doesn’t mean holding down the dream job. It doesn’t mean working long hours. It doesn’t mean bringing home a bigger paycheck. Being an adult is about hard decisions, about making the right sacrifices at the right time.
As it turns out, sacrificing my career wasn’t much of a sacrifice at all. I’ve gained so much in these three short weeks. I exercise with my husband. We eat dinner together as a family almost every night. I research doctors for my mother. I have ice cream with my sister. I read bedtime stories to my son. I kiss his boo-boos and hug him when he’s sad.
I found another job and I actually really enjoy it. It’s flexible enough that it allows me to work from home and juggle my schedule when necessary. As a family, we are dealing with some budgetary changes, but we are making it work and the pros severely outweigh the cons.
I guess I’m writing this in part for my own peace-of-mind, but I also hope I can inspire someone else who may feel trapped to get out of their situation. YOU are not your career. I promise you can leave and make it work. Take a leap. It will be okay.